Square One

Main Desk.

Interior studio / Student work

Bargue drawing. Look closely to see the three lines.

Last Monday I heard from the The Center of Academic Study and Naturalistic Painting (CAS) that I'd been selected as their summer scholarship second place winner. This is a huge honor because not only is CAS an incredible academy, but it's also the first time I've ever entered and won a prize by the merit of my art.

So I'd heard from CAS Monday morning, and Ryan, the head of the academy, invited me to stop by their Springville studio for a tour. I emailed him back pretty quickly and at 11:30 that same day, I made it to CAS' studio.

The interior was incredible. The walls were lined with beautiful works of art, it was absolutely breathtaking. He took me to the interior studio where the walls were lined with exquisite student work and studies. Within the hour I signed up and within two hours I was set up to start studying. It was all very cool and exciting until I realized that I can't draw.

So for the next 14 weeks I will be rebuilding my foundation. Mondays and Fridays I'll be at the studio from 9-7, and Tuesdays and Thursdays I'll be working from 9-9. I have Wednesdays and weekends off. Two weeks in I can feel myself getting better, more precise. They literally expect perfection, but this, of course, has its own consequences.

On Tuesday night I pulled off the side of the road and just ugly cried my eyes out. I was so tired and so frustrated. I had worked on a live-model portrait for about two sessions or six hours, before my teacher came around and told me to start over. My lines were off, my proportions were off, and it wasn't until she pointed them out that I saw my many many mistakes. This wasn't the first time I was told to start over. Part of my training includes "Bargue Drawings." My first task was to draw a plumb line or a center line that runs through the center of the model, and two perpendicular lines. Once I thought I had those set, I proceeded with my drawing. I had about three hours of work down on paper when my teacher came around and told me that my first three lines were off and that I had to start over. I erased my entire page and spent the next two hours perfecting three lines. Three. Lines. I just couldn't get them right. I was so frustrated.

This is the refiners fire, I'm rebuilding my foundation, whatever you want to call it, it's good for me. Also, I don't think I'm ever going to get time like this again to just work on my skills, unless I become a full time artist. I'm incredibly lucky, this is great training, but goodness it just throws you for a loop. It's made me question my capacity to even be an artist.

I want to tell myself to keep things in perspective. To stop comparing myself to my peers. To enjoy being amongst incredibly talented individuals and to enjoy being educated by extremely talented and well trained teachers.

Tuesday night, LinkedIn sent me an email about a series they're doing called "If I were 22" (I'm 22). Influencers on LinkedIn write up pieces of advice they'd give to their 22 year old selves. They talk about things they'd change and things they'd keep the same. I spent an hour reading through these essays trying to rebuild my own confidence and courage. One quote really resonated with me. Dr. Chopra talks about his experience and resilience through med school, and he says,

"My 22-year-old self needed to hear something important. Being on track is rarely workable. Setbacks, swerves, and curves await everyone. He needed to pay attention to something foreign to his nature: resilience in the face of difficulty. This means the ability to bound back emotionally, to take no obstacle as a sign of one's inferiority, to establish a strong sense of self that external circumstances and other people cannot undermine."

I guess what's haunted me the most is the fact that this is a five year program. After one week, I've witnessed all that I have yet to learn and all that I can learn, but I don't feel like I have five years to do it. And because of that I feel like I can't be an artist. That's the kicker for me.

Love \\ Christelle